Time's Fool
by Nocturngirl
Summary: The Doctor's thoughts and regrets about Martha Jones during Last of the Time Lords. My first Doctor fic so please review.


One year.

One year he waited.

And she was out there.

She was out there all alone.

How could he have let her go out there all alone?

Anything could happen to her. What if she never came back? What if she never made it back? Then it would all be his fault.

It _was_ all his fault.

He was the one who brought her into this.

He was the one who put her in danger.

He was constantly putting her in danger.

But, she never complained.

She never blamed him.

Well, there was that one time. But, she was right.

And, still she believed in him.

She always believed in him.

No matter what happened. She always believed that he would save the day. She always believed that he had the power to save the day.

That was nice.

And, she was strong.

She was so strong.

She didn't need him.

She didn't depend on him.

She was smart, too. Brilliant actually. Probably the most brilliant person he ever traveled with.

She reminded him a little of himself, he thought smiling.

Imagine the fun they could have together, he kept thinking.

That is, if she lived.

If she survived.

How could he ask her to do that?

How could he let her go out there on her own?

Anything could happen to her. Anything at all.

She left her family.

She left her family to follow his orders.

There she went, believing in him again.

There was not a second.

There was not a moment where he saw doubt in her eyes.

She just believed in him.

Ever since the first time they met.

Well, technically it was the second time for her if you count the tie.

He remembered looking at her from his hospital bed as she checked his heartbeat. They had sped up a bit having her so close.

He didn't even know why.

Well—he knew why.

Beautiful woman, leaning over you in bed.

Even Time Lords have hormones.

But, she knew something was different about him.

And, she heard the second heartbeat.

Most people don't catch that one.

He'd been checked in and examined twice without anyone even noticing that.

I mean really, who doesn't notice a second heart?

Humans.

They only notice what they want to.

What they expect.

Though a little perception filter did help.

Didn't fool her though.

He knew she was special.

Ever since the beginning.

Judoon.

H20 scoops.

Plasmavores—well _vore_. Singular.

And she was right alongside him from the start.

She didn't panic or act silly.

She started thinking.

She wanted to find out more.

She wanted to help.

She was brave without even knowing how much danger she could be in.

And, she trusted him.

He could tell.

She didn't even know him.

But, she trusted him.

She was one of those people.

She was one of those rare people with the gift of having faith.

And, she had faith in him.

She gave her last breath to wake him up.

And she didn't even know him then.

She wouldn't even call him the Doctor at first.

'That title had to be earned' she'd said.

He never remembered feeling so good hearing someone call his name than when she said it for the first time.

He'd wanted to kiss her then.

It was a stupid, base impulse.

He didn't even know where it came from.

But, he couldn't help it.

Well, he supposed he could've helped it if he really tried.

But, then he got his chance.

DNA transfer.

That was brilliant!

He could've kissed her cheek.

He could've had her scratch his hand and it would've come up on the Judoon scanner.

But, he'd convinced himself that a liquid transfer was the most effective way.

Deep down he knew it was because he hadn't gotten over the urge he had to kiss her.

Once.

Just once.

"It means nothing." He'd said to her.

He'd been saying it to himself ever since.

He should never have done that.

It wasn't as though the Judoon were doing DNA swabs.

He could have pulled her into his arms and given her a hug and she would've been plastered with his DNA.

Oh, Rassilon he missed having her in his arms.

Oh, how could he have let her go?

How could he have let this happen in the first place?

He should have known about the Master.

He should have known.

But, he was too busy.

Running.

He was too busy running away from the pain of loosing Rose.

He was running from everything.

Even his own feelings.

Especially his own feelings.

He decided then: watching Pete take Rose back to his dimension.

He decided then that he would travel alone.

He decided then.

After the wall closed, sealing Rose in Pete's world and away from him forever.

He couldn't put anyone else in that kind of danger.

He couldn't risk losing someone else he cared about.

And, if later he did travel with someone, occasionally—you know, just to have a distraction.

That would be it.

They would just be a passenger.

One trip.

That's all.

He would never get close.

He would never get close like that again.

He wouldn't.

And then he met her.

Martha.

Martha Jones.

And, she was brilliant.

She _is_ brilliant.

Wise beyond her years that one.

She will make a great doctor.

Imagine.

The Doctor and the _Doctor_.

No.

He couldn't imagine.

He wouldn't imagine.

That would never be.

He would never allow it.

If she survived this-

_When_ she survived this.

He would let her go.

He would let her be free.

He would run away from her as fast as he could.

She would be safe that way.

She would be safe from all the danger he always put her in.

She would be safe from him.

And, he would be safe too.

He would be safe from her.

He would be safe from those feelings that she stirred inside him.

Those feelings that he fought against every day.

Those feelings that wouldn't do either of them any good.

The world would be safe.

She was a distraction.

Think of it.

All that time.

All the time they were together and he didn't even notice what was going on around him.

Harold Saxon was everywhere.

The Master was everywhere, calling out to him, screaming to be discovered.

And, he didn't even notice.

No.

He was too busy.

He was too busy trying to impress Martha Jones with his bloody TARDIS to notice what was going on all around them.

He was too busy showing off: the incomprehensible majesty of time and space.

New New York.

Shakespeare.

What an insufferable git that one. He was a more determined flirt than Jack. "Shall I compare thee to a summers day" and la di da.

So, he wrote her a sonnet.

Fine.

So Shakespeare wrote his most famous sonnet about _her_.

Well, he couldn't blame him.

Martha Jones.

_His_ Dark Lady.

But, Shakespeare couldn't show her the glory of the triple sunrise on the edge of the Perseus Galaxy, could he?

Damn.

There he went again.

More tricks.

More tricks to make her want to stay with him.

But, she was a distraction.

At least if she weren't around he wouldn't be able to think about her.

Out of sight. Out of mind and all that.

Well, that was bullocks.

She wasn't around for an entire year and all he did was think about her.

All he could do was think about her.

Well, that was only because of the plan.

It all depended on her.

The entire world resting on her tiny shoulders.

But, she was strong.

She could do it.

She could do anything, he had no doubt of that.

She was so strong.

Stronger than anyone he knew.

And, independent.

And, assertive.

And. bloody brilliant.

And, she didn't run off like a child even though he told her to stay in one place and keep out of trouble.

Not, like he could tell her to stay away from the action.

She loved the action.

She loved it as much as he did.

She'd just tell him that she was going to investigate.

Or help.

And, all he could tell her was to be careful.

Be careful.

That's the only reason he was thinking about her though.

Because of the plan.

Still.

He did miss her.

He missed her dark doe eyes looking up at him expectantly.

Sometime she would look at him like she could see into his very soul.

It was like she was looking into the Schism and could see all of space and time. Everything that he had seen. The glory, the majesty and the terror of it all.

But, she wasn't afraid of it.

He always looked away then.

It frightened him.

Especially when she had that particular look in her eyes.

That dangerous look that made him want to return it.

That look that made him want to pull her into his arms and never let go.

He would always turn away then.

He would always get really interested in whatever he was doing.

He would put all his focus on fiddling with the TARDIS or trying to discover whatever place they just landed in.

Because, it would break his heart to see that hurt look in her eyes when he didn't respond.

And it would break his other heart to know that he was the cause of it.

Isn't that what he promised himself?

Isn't that what he decided?

Yes.

He'd let her go.

He'd let her go to live her own life.

Without him.

She deserved that.

She deserved someone who she could grow old with.

She deserved someone who could grow old with her.

He didn't want to have her for her lifetime, only to be forced to live the next one without her.

And the next one.

He told Rose something once about having a companion.

He told her that she would grow old, decay and die and that he never would.

Well, perhaps that wasn't completely true.

The TARDIS would keep them at in stasis at their current age.

He and Martha could live for hundreds of years together in the TARDIS.

But, how could he subject her to that life?

How could he subject her to a life like his?

How could he ask her to share his lonely existence of just watching the people around you die.

Never staying in one place.

Having no home.

It was so tiring.

She would resent him.

Though, she'd never say it.

She would get tired.

Tired of living.

Tired of not dying.

It was a lonely life.

It was so lonely.

But, maybe it wouldn't be lonely if he had someone.

Maybe, it wouldn't be lonely if he had her.

If they had each other.

Maybe.

Maybe, they could take one more trip.

One more trip and see how things go.

Maybe, if he gave her the choice…

******************************************************************************

He was talking frantically like an insane person at when she entered the TARDIS.

Oh, there are so many places, so many times that he could show her.

He knew he would be showing off again but he didn't care.

She deserved it.

After the year she had, she deserved something spectacular.

He wanted to take her somewhere special.

It would be great.

And, then he saw her face.

He expected her to come in blazing with excitement, like she always did.

He expected her to be eager to see more.

But, she wasn't.

She didn't need to say anything.

He could tell.

It was over.

He could feel each heart breaking individually as she spoke to him.

And, he couldn't bring his eyes to meet hers.

The laces on his trainers were suddenly very interesting.

And, he was sure the TARDIS needed more work.

He tried to think of that.

She wasn't coming.

She wasn't coming with him.

She was going to stay.

She was going to stay and help.

That's what she did.

She helped.

She healed.

And, that's what her family needed after the year they spent in hell with the Master.

He couldn't blame her for that.

That's who she was.

And, that's why he _loved_ her.

She was Martha Jones.

She saved people.

She saved the world.

She saved him, he thought smiling.

"Thank you." He said, though she would never know what for.

She was in his arms again.

He didn't want to let her go this time.

Perhaps, if he held on a little longer.

Just a little longer.

No.

"Martha Jones you saved the world." He said smiling.

Always a smile.

It's easier that way.

For her.

She didn't know.

She didn't even know how he really felt.

And, she wouldn't ever know.

But, damn.

All this time.

All this time together.

She could've left before.

Why now?

Why did she choose now to 'get out'?

Why did she wait until he was finally ready to tell her.

He wanted to tell her.

He was going to tell her.

But, he couldn't tell her.

If there's one thing a Time Lord understands it's _timing_.

It's not a matter of coincidence.

It's a fact.

Well, as much as anything can be a fact when you consider that time doesn't move on a linear pattern of cause and effect but it is really more like a stream of events that may or may not chronological precede another basically a wibbly, wobbly, timey, wimey… thing.

But that wasn't the point.

His life and hers weren't meant to be.

He couldn't ask her.

He couldn't ask her to give up everything.

Everything she'd dreamed about, everything she'd worked so hard for.

Just for him.

That would be selfish.

He couldn't ask her to sacrifice herself and all that she could become just for his happiness.

He couldn't put his feelings ahead of hers.

Only humans did stuff like that.

He was a Time Lord.

He was supposed to be a superior being.

He was supposed to have better control over his feelings.

Martha Jones was going to be a brilliant doctor, someday.

He couldn't deprive her of that.

He couldn't deprive the world of that.

She was meant to do great things.

She was going to do great things.

He didn't need the TARDIS to see that.

He could see it all in her eyes.

He saw it in her everywhere they went.

She was good.

She was meant to _do_ good.

She was a caretaker.

She was a healer.

She was… a Doctor.

She was meant to change the world.

He knew that.

What would he change if he took her away?

How would the world change if he took her away from it?

The world would only be worse if she wasn't in it.

He had to let her go.

His feelings didn't matter.

He couldn't ask her to choose between him and her family.

Between him and her dreams.

Between him and her life.

That's what it would be.

A choice.

She wouldn't be able to have both.

Not, in the way she would want it.

Not, in the way he would want her to have it.

She kissed him.

On the cheek.

Before she said goodbye.

And, he wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her properly. He wanted to tell her everything.

But, he didn't.

He would wait.

There was nothing else he could do.

He would just wait for her call.

She'd call.

He knew she'd call.

He was sure she'd call.

He hoped she'd call.

Someday.

As long as when she called him she didn't tell him that she was engaged or something.

But, he'd wait.

He'd wait for Martha Jones.

Because she was, well, Martha Jones.

And, the one thing he did have… was time.


End file.
